Why Happiness Can Hurt When You're Grieving
A while after my brother passed away, I posted a photo on Facebook where I happened to be smiling.
It wasn't even a big moment. Just me... smiling, I guess.
Then my notifications blew up with comments:
"So good to see you smiling."
"So glad you're happy again."
"Looks like you're doing better."
And I panicked. I was very upset.
Because what I heard underneath those comments was: You're over it. You've moved on. You're not grieving anymore.
And NONE of that was true.
Not then. Not now.
I took the post down. Not because smiling was wrong. But because I didn't want anyone to mistake my smile for "healing." As if my grief had ended. As if the love had disappeared.
It didn't. My grief is part of my love. A badge of honor, really. And love doesn't go anywhere.
That moment was the first time I realized something I now hear all the time from my clients:
✨ Joy can feel like betrayal.
Not because it is... But because grief becomes this sacred thread to the one we lost.
It becomes proof of the love we still carry.
So when a moment of joy or lightness slips in—especially in the beginning—it can feel threatening... Like the thread might loosen if we let ourselves feel anything other than pain.
And it’s confusing. Because everyone around you wants you to be “okay.”
They think happiness is the goal.
But they don’t see the guilt.
They don’t feel the fear. That if you laugh, or smile, or feel a moment of peace... it might mean you’re letting go.
And we don’t want to let go.
Because that love... that bond... that grief is connected to them.
So if you’ve ever felt guilty for feeling joy after loss, especially during the holidays, you’re definitely not alone.
It’s not a sign you’re "moving on."
It’s not a sign you’re forgetting.
It’s just a sign that you’re human, and your heart is trying to figure out how to hold more than one truth at a time.
Grief and joy.
Sadness and laughter.
Love and loss.
They can coexist, even if they don’t always arrive at the same time.
🎥 Watch the Video – when happiness feels wrong
In this video which is a part of my Grief & The Holidays Playlist , I talk about about:
Why joy can feel painful after loss
Why it brings up guilt
Why it feels risky
And why your first moments of happiness after loss need just as much care and tenderness as your grief
I also share a gentle Grief Timeline Exercise to help you notice your own moments of joy and grief and give them space to be what they are.
No judgment. No pressure. Just your truth.
A Piece of My Brother's Legacy
Before I close, I want to share something with you.
My brother wrote a song called "Let It In" that I mention in the video.
Sharing his music is one of the ways I continue his legacy. Listen here:
Need a little more support right now?
You can download my free guide, "You’re Not Crazy, You’re Grieving" a gentle check-in tool to help you navigate the emotional waves of grief, especially during times like these.
And if you're navigating grief, loss, or life transitions and realizing you need more personalized support, I'm here.
I work with people in the renewal, rediscovery, and rebuilding phase—helping you:
Hold the full range of emotions (grief, guilt, joy, confusion) without judgment
Navigate milestones, holidays, and "firsts" without them
Rebuild your identity and sense of self after loss
Give yourself permission to feel everything
Schedule a free connection call
I’ll be sharing more grief resources and reflections all season long over on YouTube – you can subscribe to stay connected.
Take gentle care of your heart this week.
You're allowed to feel joy without losing your grief, your love, or your person. 🖤
