The Vows We Make in Pain (And Why They Keep Us Stuck)
After my divorce, I remember thinking very clearly,
I am never getting married again.
It felt wise. Strong. Like growth.
But it wasn’t clarity.
It was protection.
I didn’t want to feel that kind of loss again.
I didn’t want to risk that kind of shame again.
I didn’t want to have to confront my upbringing that told me ‘divorce’ was wrong and bad.
So I made a vow.
NEVER AGAIN!
And I didn’t even realize I had made one.
We all do this. We make self promises, commitments and rules that become vows of how we will move forward. We might even tell ourselves we’ve set a boundary.
That we’ve learned the lesson.
That we’ve matured.
But sometimes what we’ve actually done is build a rule around our pain.
And those rules live inside of us. They shape everything.
Who we choose.
What we attract.
What we avoid. How we show up.
What we tell ourselves we don’t want anymore.
What dreams we stop pursuing.
What risks we never end up taking.
And of course, Self-Protection isn’t wrong.
That is exactly what our nervous system is designed to do..to protect and keep us safe. That’s not weakness. That’s biology.
The problem is when our personal (protective) vows are made in survival mode becomes a wall.
When “I’m done” turns into “I don’t try.”
When “Never again” turns into emotional distance.
When “I won’t open up like that again” becomes isolation disguised as strength.
That’s when it keeps you stuck!
And THAT is when it is time to ask:
Is this vow still serving me?
Is it supporting what I say I want and need now?
Or is it protecting me from ever feeling that way again… at the cost of the very thing I long for?
Is it holding me back from growth and expansion?
That’s the conflict.
Because while these protective vows can feel like they keep you safe.
They can also can keep you from love.
From connection.
From visibility.
From risk.
From growth. From possibility.
I go deeper into this in this week’s video. I break down how to recognize the vows you may still be living by, how to tell the difference between alignment and protection, and how to choose from who you are now instead of who you were when it hurt.
🖤 Watch the full video here: The Vows We Make in Pain (and why they keep us Stuck)
If you’re ready to take a deeper look at the vows you’ve been living by that you built from pain and loss, that’s the kind of space I hold inside my Private 1:1 Sunset to Sunrise coaching journey.
🖤✨ Learn more about working together here:
Weekly Support on YouTube
For continued support, I also share weekly YouTube videos exploring grief, loss and the process of rebuilding a meaningful life.
Watch on my YouTube channel here:
Thank you for being here!
